


A 101 Labradoodles

by Dracothelizard



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - 101 Dalmatians Fusion, Comedy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-02-13
Updated: 2007-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 06:39:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1183065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dracothelizard/pseuds/Dracothelizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: 'Top Gear Dog has puppies. Evil Piers de Morgan wants to make a labradoodle coat. Crack ensues.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	A 101 Labradoodles

**Author's Note:**

> None of this ever happened, obviously.

“You have to admit, they are adorable,” Richard told Jeremy and James, who were sitting next to him.  
  
“They are now, just wait until they grow up,” Jeremy said darkly. “They’ll be fluffy monsters.”   
  
Top Gear Dog looked up at them dolefully, and Richard told her not to listen to the nasty Jeremy, since men who preferred donkeys over labradoodle puppies should obviously be ignored.  
  
“How’re you going to find homes for all of them?” James asked, petting one of the tiny mini-TGs which were swarming the basket.  
  
“Put up notices, probably. You wouldn’t like one, would you?”   
  
James smiled at the mass of crawling fluffy bundles. “I’m tempted, but I’ve already got a demanding pet.”   
  
“And don’t even think you can foist one on me, Hamster, I’ve got plenty of pets as well,” Jeremy said. “And don’t even consider showing them to my kids, they’ll probably think it’s a wonderful idea to take one off you.”   
  
“I wouldn’t let you have one anyway,” Richard replied snippily. “But notices at the supermarket it is, then.”   
  
***  
  
A few days later, someone called Richard and said they would happily take all ten puppies and assured Richard that they would have a very happy home.  
  
As Richard hung up, he wondered why the person on the other side of the phone had laughed almost maniacally.   
  
***  
  
A week later, a man came to pick up the ten puppies. He seemed quite nice, and friendly, and like he really adored the puppies already. “They’re an active lot, aren’t they?” he said, picking up one of them.  
  
“They are,” Richard replied, almost sad to see the little animals go. They were quite adorable, but he had plenty of pets already. “I hope they won’t be too much of a bother for you, I mean, ten dogs is quite a lot.”   
  
The man smiled, and Richard thought it was an almost sinister smile, but dismissed this thought immediately. “Well, I don’t think they’ll be a bother for very long.”  
  
“Why’s that?”  
  
The sinister smile disappeared. “Oh, er, puppy obedience training, of course!” He took the cardboard box containing all ten puppies from Richard, and walked over to his car to put them in the spacious backseat. “Very important, that sort of thing,” he said, as Richard opened the backdoor for him. “Thanks, man.”   
  
“It’s all right. Hey, you don’t mind me calling in a few weeks to check if it’s all going well, do you?” Richard asked, blaming having second thoughts on the fact that he was too attached to the puppies. “Just to make sure.”   
  
The man nodded. “Yeah, no, that’s fine. Just fine. Thanks for the puppies.”   
  
And with that, they shook hands, and Richard watched the car and TG’s puppies drive out of his life. And that, he assumed, would be that.   
  
***  
  
A few days after this, Richard arrived at the airfield to find both James and Jeremy studying a newspaper.  
  
“Hammond! You’ll never believe this, Piers Morgan is going into fashion!” Jeremy announced as he walked into the office.   
  
“What, Morgan?” Richard asked, clearly surprised. “Why? What kind?”   
  
“Fur coats, apparently,” James said, sounding disapproving. “I bet Greenpeace is lining up to handcuff themselves to his house.”   
  
Jeremy slid the newspaper over to Richard. “Just read it for yourself.”   
  
Richard got no further than the black-and-white grainy picture, which portrayed Piers Morgan shaking hands with the very man who had picked up the ten puppies earlier that week. His eyes slid down to the text underneath the picture, which informed him that the other man was Lance Connell, fur dealer. “Oh, God,” he muttered, and sunk down on a chair.  
  
“What is it?” Jeremy asked. “Teeth-whitening kits gone up in price?”   
  
“No!” Richard glared. “You know that there was one person interested in all the puppies, right?”  
  
“Right, and?” Jeremy asked impatiently.   
  
“It was this man.” Richard pointed at the fur dealer. “Piers Morgan is going to use my puppies for his coats! We’ve got to go and save them!”   
  
“You did technically enter a legally binding sales contract, Richard,” James said. “You can’t just storm into Piers’ house and demand the puppies back. You sold them to him.”  
  
“He can have the money!” Richard exclaimed. “I’m not having some stupid footballer’s wife wear a coat made of TG’s puppies!” He stormed out the office, taking the newspaper with him.  
  
“I suppose we’ll have to go with him to make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid,” James said, and sighed. “He’ll probably kill Morgan if we don’t hold him back.”   
  
Jeremy’s expression told James that Jeremy was more than happy to let Richard kill Piers. “I’m sure Piers has cronies to defend him.”   
  
“In that case, we need to go with Richard to make sure he doesn’t get killed.” James tugged at Jeremy’s arm. “Come on, we’ve got to save those puppies.”   
  
“Fine,” Jeremy grumbled, and they went outside to see if they could find Richard.  
  
***  
  
Richard was sitting in his Porsche, feeling a bit stupid. It was one thing to declare he was going to save those puppies, but he had no idea where Lance Connell or Piers Morgan lived. He had tried calling the number Lance had given him, but no one had picked up.   
  
He started at the knock on his window, and rolled down the window to talk to James and Jeremy. “What is it?”   
  
“You have no idea what to do now, do you?” Jeremy said. “You are useless at heroic rescue missions.”  
  
“Well, you can’t be any better at them,” Richard snapped back. “What’s your brilliant idea, then? You don’t know where Morgan or Connell live.”   
  
“I bet PETA does,” James said smugly. “And I bet PETA would love to help us save ten adorable puppies. It’s just the sort of thing that’ll get them good publicity.”   
  
“But PETA members are all insane,” Jeremy replied. “They’ll be useless and get in the way.”  
  
“They will cause chaos and be a distraction from us stealing back the puppies,” James insisted. “Although we should probably keep them away from you, Jeremy. They might attack you instead of Piers.”   
  
“Why would PETA hate me?” Jeremy asked. “I love animals.”  
  
“On your plate,” Richard muttered, while James was calling Inquiries for PETA’s phone number.   
  
***  
  
“I can not believe that I am on the same side as PETA members,” Jeremy grumbled as they were standing outside Piers’ large countryside home.   
  
James looked at the small group of PETA supporters, and thought that they didn’t look too happy about being on the same side as Jeremy. “Yes, well, Piers has his cronies, we’ve got ours.”   
  
Richard was attempting to climb the gate for the second time, and this time he insisted that Jeremy give him a boot up, which Jeremy did. Richard ended up falling in a heap on the other side of the gate, and seemed quite pleased about that.  
  
“I hope you’re not suggesting we all climb the gate like that,” James said. “It’s illegal, and I’m not very good at climbing.”   
  
“Don’t be such a girl, May, it’ll be fine,” Jeremy told him, and then nodded at Richard, who was fiddling with the lock. “He’s rather good with locks.”  
  
James wondered when Richard had learned to lock pick, but as the gate opened and the dozen PETA members went through it, he didn’t really have the time for these questions.   
  
“Come on,” Richard said, looking anxious. “We’ve got to get in and find those puppies!”  
  
***  
  
Morgan’s butler at the door didn’t seem very keen on letting them in, but the man soon found out that Richard Hammond and PETA members did not take no for an answer, and they simply shoved the startled man out of the way. “I think we should spread out,” Richard said. “More chance of finding the animals.”  
  
The PETA members did this, leaving Richard with James and Jeremy to search upstairs.   
  
“I wonder how many laws we’ve broken,” James wondered idly while Richard was trying the doors on the upper floor. “Breaking and entering several times by now, I think.”  
  
“Stop worrying, James,” Jeremy told him. “We’ve got to think of what we’re going to do when we find Morgan and the puppies.”   
  
That was a worryingly good point, and James was fretting over this when Richard found a door that would open. He gestured at the other two to follow him in quietly.   
  
It looked like an office, divided into two rooms. The one they were currently in looked like a waiting room of sorts, with its several comfortable-looking leather sofas, and the tables with magazines on them to entertain the waiting guests.   
  
It was also, rather unusually, the home of ten adorable and fluffy labradoodle puppies. One of them yelped at the sight of the three men, and Richard quickly hunched down to keep it quiet, since he had spotted Piers Morgan in the other room, talking on the phone.   
  
James and Jeremy knelt down as well, wanting to stay out of sight, and Richard quickly handed them a puppy as well. James mouthed ‘what?’ at Richard, confused about what he was supposed to do with the writhing fluffy ball that was chewing on his sleeve.  
  
Richard rolled his eyes and carefully put the puppy he was holding in the pocket of his jacket, and then eyed Jeremy and James, motioning for them to do the same.  
  
James hoped the puppies wouldn’t decide it was time for a bathroom break while they were in his coat.   
  
Jeremy looked slightly annoyed at his new accessories as well, and glared at Richard, who was crawling around and looking under the sofas. There was still one puppy missing.   
  
James decided he would slowly crawl to the door to the hallway, when he stopped at the slow creaking of another door opening.  
  
“Well, well, well, what have we here? Thieves attempting to steal my puppies?” he heard a familiar voice say.  
  
“They’re not your puppies,” Richard protested. “I didn’t sell them to you!”   
  
“Yes, but Mr. Connell was kind enough to sell them to me after you had sold them to him. You really should be more careful with that, Mr. Hammond.” Piers strode over to Richard, and picked up a puppy that was about to make a daring escape from his coat. “But your loss is my gain. In a few months these puppies will be big enough to make several fur coats from.” He smirked as he cradled the puppy to his chest. “I’m sure labradoodle fur will be very nice and warm.”   
  
Richard lunged to attack Piers, but the other man swiftly moved out of the way. “None of that, Mr. Hammond. I’ve got plenty of security on the premises, and they’ve already dealt with your band of animal protestors. The police will deal with them further.”   
  
Richard gulped at the mention of the law. “They were only here ‘cause we asked them to!”   
  
“Top Gear and PETA working together.” Piers smirked. “I think several tabloids will be very interested in that story.” He laughed. “Who knows, maybe it’s a sign of the apocalypse!”   
  
“Are you going to let the police deal with us as well?” James asked quietly.   
  
Piers smirked again. “Oh, certainly. Eventually, anyway. But first, gentlemen, your puppies.”   
  
“No! You’re not having my puppies,” Richard said stubbornly. “You’re not turning them into some ridiculous coat!”   
  
Piers moved to press a button on the wall. “I thought you might say that, Mr. Hammond. I wonder if you still feel the same after my security men have had a chat with you.”   
  
***  
  
“It could’ve been worse,” James said.  
  
Jeremy glared at him. “We’re in Piers’ basement, the door is locked and the window is too small for even Hammond to crawl through, tomorrow he’s going to call the police and we’ll all go to prison. How could it have been worse?”   
  
James didn’t have an answer to that, and turned to Richard. “Are you okay?”   
  
“No,” Richard said angrily. “I’m useless. I can’t even save puppies!” He sniffed. “Poor TG.”   
  
“At least she doesn’t know her puppies are about to have a second life in someone’s wardrobe,” James said, trying to be consoling. It didn’t really work.  
  
“She’s not stupid! She didn’t like Connell, and I had second thoughts about him too. I bet she knew what he was up to,” Richard insisted.  
  
Jeremy rolled his eyes. “Richard, she’s a dog. She’s not even a very smart dog. She’s part poodle, for God’s sake! Who’s ever heard of a poodle doing anything worthwhile?”   
  
Richard launched himself at Jeremy to tell him exactly how clever TG was, and James was about to separate them, when they heard a bark from outside the window.   
  
Richard looked up, and grinned as he saw the familiar white, furry snout. “TG!” he exclaimed. “Clever girl!”   
  
The dog barked again, and pushed at the window.   
  
“No, girl, don’t come down here! Save your puppies! They’re inside the house, upper floor, in Morgan’s office!” Richard told her. “Go save them!”  
  
Jeremy snorted. “Oh, right, of course she will. Richard, that’s probably just some other labradoodle or some white furry dog that looks like her.”   
  
The dog lowered her head, allowing the men to see her collar more clearly.   
  
“All right, it’s a white furry dog with the same collar as TG,” Jeremy said. “That’s proves nothing.”   
  
“It’s TG, Jeremy, just admit it,” Richard replied triumphantly. “Look, there’s a good girl, now go save your puppies!”   
  
They all watched as TG gave one last bark and padded off.  
  
“I hope she’s better at saving her puppies than she is at sheepherding,” James muttered. “And how did she get here in the first place?”   
  
“Does it matter?” Richard said, standing on his toes to try to see where TG was going.  
  
“She’s probably going to fall asleep in Morgan’s house,” Jeremy predicted. “She’ll be even worse at puppy-saving than you were.”  
  
Richard bit his lip. What if TG also got caught by Morgan or his cronies? She’d also be turned into a fur coat, and then he’d have lost them all. “She’ll be fine,” he insisted, ignoring the part of him that was telling him that Jeremy had a point.   
  
***  
  
They had fallen into an uneasy sleep and were woken by someone knocking on the window. Jeremy blinked at the sight, and then rubbed his eyes. “Stig?” he asked, not believing his eyes.   
  
The Stig waved at them cheerfully.  
  
Richard jumped up. “Stig! Get us out!”   
  
The Stig gestured that he was working on it, and the three men watched as Stig effortlessly pulled out a brick. He was removing the window and making the hole bigger so they could climb through.  
  
Jeremy grinned. “I knew we hadn’t made a mistake a hiring you, Stiggy. Now hurry up, we haven’t got the whole night.”   
  
Stig had by now made a narrow opening, and threw a brick he had just pried loose at Jeremy, who narrowly dodged it. “Hey! Remember who you work for!”   
  
***  
  
Eventually, they were outside and at the back of Morgan’s house.   
  
“Where’s TG?” Richard asked, worried.  
  
Stig motioned that they should follow him, and they walked around the house and through the gate, to where Stig had parked his car. He opened the backdoor, and showed TG lying on a blanket, puppies crawling around her on the backseat and on the floor. Richard grinned, and quickly set to counting them to make sure they had them all.  
  
“Did you save them?” Jeremy asked.   
  
Stig shook his head, and pointed at TG, who wagged her tail.   
  
“She saved them?” James asked, to make sure. “She went into Morgan’s house and got the puppies out?”   
  
Stig nodded, and mimed that he had only helped to save the three men and to provide transport for TG.   
  
Jeremy stared at the happy mother dog, and vaguely worried of what other miraculous things Top Gear Dog was capable, and hoped she hadn’t overheard him the few times he had suggested that she should be sold to a kebab shop.


End file.
